In 2015, the whole of France was confronted with the most violent form of aggression: the murderous attacks of 7 January and those of 13 November. There was also the beheading by 35-year-old delivery driver Yassin Salhi of his employer, the sales director of ATC Transport, following an argument with him two days earlier.
On another level, the social landscape in France is regularly shaken by social conflicts that degenerate. Whether we are talking about the thousands of farmers who marched with their tractors last September, the Air France employees who assaulted two managers and law enforcement officers, or the hostage-taking of the Human Resources Director at Goodyear Dunlop Tires France, to name just three recent examples, these various conflicts have generated aggression that has turned violent. Psychologists refer to this as acting out.
But aggression is not confined to the political or social spheres. Everyone can be confronted with it on a daily basis in their professional negotiations or in their private lives: faced with a complaint from a dissatisfied customer, a disgruntled colleague or a screaming teenager.
Aggression can take different forms: verbal (insults, threats, intimidation); physical (acting out, pushing, hitting, etc.); or psychological (disrespect, incivility, bullying). It often arises from a dispute or conflict. It is always triggered by something that may be a simple misunderstanding or a misunderstanding of a problem. Poorly managed, it can lead to a multitude of negative emotions such as frustration and anger.
Blinded by these feelings, the common temptation of belligerents is to confuse the problem to be solved with the person. From then on, they will forget that even among animals that fight to mark their territories, the victor never or very rarely finishes off the vanquished. In other words, aggression and violence towards someone with whom we disagree are not necessarily inevitable.
Faced with these situations, which generate great tension, the 3 most common natural reactions – retaliate, give in or break up – unfortunately tend to complicate the situation rather than resolve it. In fact, these reactions are bad because they either cause the situation to escalate or call our interests into question.
On his way to a village, Buddha was accosted by some young hooligans who began to criticise him aggressively. He calmly sat down on a rock and waited for them to finish their invective, then said to them: “Usually, when you want to give people joy, you have to spend a lot of money and make all sorts of preparations. However, without any effort, without spending a single penny, I have allowed you to rejoice by criticising Me. Since you seem to derive so much joy from criticising Me, I am responsible for your joy. You see, instead of being unhappy because of your criticisms, I am really happy because I have been able to give you happiness”.
Then Buddha continued: “Suppose a beggar knocks at your door asking for alms and you bring him some food. Let’s also suppose that this food is not the kind of alms he expects and let’s admit that he doesn’t accept it. What would you do? You would say: if you don’t want what I’m giving you, I’ll take it back and keep it for myself.
In the same way, you offer me your criticisms, that is your alms to Me. You surely think that I need your opinion and offer it to Me freely, but I don’t accept it. So who does it go to? Well, it is returned to you, it remains with you and belongs to you”. (Extract from the teachings of the Indian spiritual master Sathya Sai Baba)
In this legend, Buddha teaches us three effective approaches to dealing with aggression. I have added three others drawn from the experience of renowned negotiators.
Put yourself above the fray by sitting, like Buddha, on a rock. There are several techniques that allow you to step back. Everyone needs to find their own. Personally, I like to count backwards from 100 to 0. For his part, William Ury talks about ” climbing onto the balcony ” to illustrate the fact that you have to avoid reacting at the drop of a hat. The secret is to succeed in cutting the link between the emotion you are feeling and the natural reaction that follows (wanting to defend yourself).
Just like Buddha, allow the person you are talking to to vent. Welcome their emotion without opposition or rejection. At some point, it’s the breathlessness that will stop the surge. Even the biggest wave, when it meets no obstacles, ends up washing up on the shore with a light froth.
This is a trap that you need to know how to avoid. If you retaliate in the face of attack and aggression, the infernal cycle of escalation inevitably sets in: attack/defence/justification/counter-attack. Mimicry in behaviour (as René Girard has shown) exacerbates conflict, with the risk of intensifying it and turning it into an irrational escalation.
If someone sends you a registered letter and you don’t accept it, the post office will return it to the sender. The same applies to criticism and the aggression that accompanies it. If you don’t accept it, it inevitably goes back to the person who made it.
Remember, understanding the other person in no way means agreeing. So, not only are you not going to retort or reject, but you are going to rephrase in your own words what the other person is saying or feeling. This is likely to surprise them, and you’ll be more likely to get them to open up in turn. You could, for example, say to your furious partner: ” I hear what you’re telling me and I also hear that you’re angry and resentful“.
Apply the teachings of Aikido or Jiu-Jitsu to your negotiations. When faced with aggression, avoid direct confrontation by redirecting your opponent’s attack on you so that it becomes an attack on the problem and the subject under discussion.
Rather than talking about the problem, discuss how the other person is approaching it: ” If you’re telling me that in order to reach an agreement, I need to shout even louder than you, even if that’s not my usual way, I’m prepared to do so “.
With these six approaches, you can change the rules of the game by making the other person understand that aggression will get you nowhere and that only a constructive exchange will solve the problem.
Now, if all these approaches don’t work, stop negotiating and ask for a recess. If it’s a heated exchange with your child, send him back to his room and tell him that the discussion will resume once he’s calmed down. This will allow both of you to step back and possibly reduce the tension. Keep your objective in mind: it’s the problem that needs to be solved, not the person. Then give the other person a gift by letting them vent.